Wow, I’m back from the dead it feels like. I was going to initially start this off with a large apology, but, life’s been nuts and it’s okay to be absent for awhile. There’s no need to apologize for being human.
So, as you read previously, we moved. It’s been a little over 8 months. Wow. Gonna be cliché and say that time fucking flies. I mean, I knew that moving to a new state and doing something so quickly and so drastic would bring change but I didn’t know what that change would be. I feel like I’ve learned so much about myself in the last 8 months. Sheesh. But know that I am happy, we are happy and Warwick says hi. This move was so good for us, we have zero regrets. :)
Okay, let’s get into the real reason why I’m here.
First off. This is definitely not a “how to” blog post. This is gonna be a large personal word vomit of “this is what I need to work on” and a “I am human too” reminder to everyone out there who needs it. I’m not going to sit here and tell you step by step how to fix this shit because in all honesty, I don’t know. I just know that I’m going to try.
2018. I am constantly surprised by the amount of things I am still learning about myself. I used to think that when I was almost 30 I would “have my shit together.” Nobody has their shit together. That’s what I’ve learned. We all just have shit we’re constantly working on and it’s this large revolving door of change, friends, experiences and lessons. That’s what every year brings. I’ve said this a million times before, but it really is all about your perspective that defines those things. It’s about how you approach shitty situations, it’s about how you walk away from certain people and how you learn from mistakes you make along the way. Sitting here, recognizing that “hey this is something I need to work on” is a step. A big one. And genuinely meaning it is huge. We’re not perfect, despite what peoples Instagram may tell you. We’re all out here wingin’ it and I hope this brings peace to anyone who needs to fucking hear this and be reminded. It brings me comfort knowing that I’m not alone. It brings me comfort knowing that this is OKAY. You’re fine. It’s gonna be fine. New opportunities present themselves every single fucking day.
I need to personally work on stepping back when things are out of my control. I get really worked up and can’t even function when something goes wrong instead of looking at the situation like “ok, this is ok, we’ll make it work.” Bless Spencer for calming me down or trying to bring me back down to earth when I’m in the fetal position rocking back and forth with my eye twitching. This is something I struggle with and I need to get better at. Of course, I am human, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself.
There were weeks where I was on top of my shit, working out every morning, I had my little routine and I was feelin’ fucking peachy. And then there were weeks when it was hard for me to get out of bed, I doordashed chipotle twice in two days and that’s all I ate (I don’t even like Chipotle that much) and I couldn’t move from the couch, just watched Friends all day. There were days when I would cry over, nothing and I had no idea why. There were days when I was so peppy and motivated, I felt like a fucking well oiled machine. That’s OKAY. Life will be like this and it’s all about how you pull yourself out of them and knowing that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. I admit, it’s hard for me to ask for help, I get scared of being perceived as weak (probably because of my past). But asking for help is not a weakness, it is a strength. Know that. This is something I’m working on too. Being vulnerable is admirable.
This whole entire post is such a cluster fuck but I don’t even care. They’re just all of my feelings from the last 8 months. Here, have them. All of them. ashufjashfuaw :’)
I wanna try something, because writing out all this shit has already made me feel so much better. A weight has been lifted, it’s been so long. I encourage you to write out either something you’ve learned about yourself this year, something you wish to work on next year, something you need to vent about, something you’re looking forward to, fucking anything. I won’t post any of these publicly. Maybe I’ll privately respond to some, I don’t know. But, just know they’re safe where they’re going and they’ll be heard.
Do not feel obligated to participate in this, it’s just something I felt like would be helpful to some. Something different. You never know.
I hope you’ve all had an enlightening year, good or bad, I hope you’ve grown and I hope you’re proud of yourself for getting to where you are. That’s all you, baby.
ps. I promise I will try and be more present on here next year. That is also a goal of mine.