This Isn't a "How To" Blog Post.

Wow, I’m back from the dead it feels like. I was going to initially start this off with a large apology, but, life’s been nuts and it’s okay to be absent for awhile. There’s no need to apologize for being human.


So, as you read previously, we moved. It’s been a little over 8 months. Wow. Gonna be cliché and say that time fucking flies. I mean, I knew that moving to a new state and doing something so quickly and so drastic would bring change but I didn’t know what that change would be. I feel like I’ve learned so much about myself in the last 8 months. Sheesh. But know that I am happy, we are happy and Warwick says hi. This move was so good for us, we have zero regrets. :)

Okay, let’s get into the real reason why I’m here.

First off. This is definitely not a “how to” blog post. This is gonna be a large personal word vomit of “this is what I need to work on” and a “I am human too” reminder to everyone out there who needs it. I’m not going to sit here and tell you step by step how to fix this shit because in all honesty, I don’t know. I just know that I’m going to try.

2018. I am constantly surprised by the amount of things I am still learning about myself. I used to think that when I was almost 30 I would “have my shit together.” Nobody has their shit together. That’s what I’ve learned. We all just have shit we’re constantly working on and it’s this large revolving door of change, friends, experiences and lessons. That’s what every year brings. I’ve said this a million times before, but it really is all about your perspective that defines those things. It’s about how you approach shitty situations, it’s about how you walk away from certain people and how you learn from mistakes you make along the way. Sitting here, recognizing that “hey this is something I need to work on” is a step. A big one. And genuinely meaning it is huge. We’re not perfect, despite what peoples Instagram may tell you. We’re all out here wingin’ it and I hope this brings peace to anyone who needs to fucking hear this and be reminded. It brings me comfort knowing that I’m not alone. It brings me comfort knowing that this is OKAY. You’re fine. It’s gonna be fine. New opportunities present themselves every single fucking day.

I need to personally work on stepping back when things are out of my control. I get really worked up and can’t even function when something goes wrong instead of looking at the situation like “ok, this is ok, we’ll make it work.” Bless Spencer for calming me down or trying to bring me back down to earth when I’m in the fetal position rocking back and forth with my eye twitching. This is something I struggle with and I need to get better at. Of course, I am human, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself.

There were weeks where I was on top of my shit, working out every morning, I had my little routine and I was feelin’ fucking peachy. And then there were weeks when it was hard for me to get out of bed, I doordashed chipotle twice in two days and that’s all I ate (I don’t even like Chipotle that much) and I couldn’t move from the couch, just watched Friends all day. There were days when I would cry over, nothing and I had no idea why. There were days when I was so peppy and motivated, I felt like a fucking well oiled machine. That’s OKAY. Life will be like this and it’s all about how you pull yourself out of them and knowing that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. I admit, it’s hard for me to ask for help, I get scared of being perceived as weak (probably because of my past). But asking for help is not a weakness, it is a strength. Know that. This is something I’m working on too. Being vulnerable is admirable.

This whole entire post is such a cluster fuck but I don’t even care. They’re just all of my feelings from the last 8 months. Here, have them. All of them. ashufjashfuaw :’)

I wanna try something, because writing out all this shit has already made me feel so much better. A weight has been lifted, it’s been so long. I encourage you to write out either something you’ve learned about yourself this year, something you wish to work on next year, something you need to vent about, something you’re looking forward to, fucking anything. I won’t post any of these publicly. Maybe I’ll privately respond to some, I don’t know. But, just know they’re safe where they’re going and they’ll be heard.

your name *
your name
if you wish to remain anonymous, just type in any name. joe. frank. anyone.

Do not feel obligated to participate in this, it’s just something I felt like would be helpful to some. Something different. You never know.

I hope you’ve all had an enlightening year, good or bad, I hope you’ve grown and I hope you’re proud of yourself for getting to where you are. That’s all you, baby.



ps. I promise I will try and be more present on here next year. That is also a goal of mine.

Shit I Don't Want To Do Next Year.

Around this time of year all I see are blog posts about goals they want to achieve in the new year. I figured, while that is helpful to some.. that's pretty cliché and that's not who I am, I don't feel like that's a form of growth... I'd rather switch it up, focus on the shit I DON'T want to do so I know better for next time. I highly recommend it.

Hell, every DAY is a new opportunity to grow but for the sake of the New Year fast approaching, we're gonna go with the year thing. I definitely learned a lot about myself this year and I personally find this backwards method to be far more therapeutic than focusing on things you'll probably do for a month and then go back to eating pizza every weekend because that's what I usually do. Focusing on the things you need to work on, the things that went wrong this year, what you gained from them and how you can grow from here on out. It doesn't all have to be emotional shit either, keep that in mind, this list is entirely up to you. Personalize it. You'd be surprised how much more motivating it is than a regular list of "I'm gonna eat healthier" goals. I find it makes you dig a bit deeper, y'know?

So, humanize with me for a second, here's my personal list for 2016:

  1. I don't want to overthink as much as I do sometimes. I want to focus on how to better keep my mind occupied and focused on things that matter and not things that only live in my mind.
  2. I don't want to harbor any deep rooted anger towards anything or anyone. I must remember only I have the ability to confront or let go of any situation that takes up too much of my brain space. It's not worth it.
  3. I don't want to focus any of my energy on what's NOT happening. I need to focus on what IS happening in the present moment because that's what matters most. Sometimes that slips, I'm only human however.
  4. I don't want to give anyone else control over my own happiness. It is completely up to me to be happy, not anyone else. 
  5. I don't want to neglect my car and it's needs, I must treat it like it's my child. I'm sorry baby.
  6. I don't want to invest time in people that don't respect me enough to just be honest with me. Be real with me, I get shit, I can take it.   
  7. I don't want to be so hard on myself. Just chill, Michelle, you're doing good.
  8. I don't want to let the appearance of my skin effect the way I carry myself or live out my day. Bad skin days happen and I should never let that stop me from gaining every experience from those 24 hours I am blessed with. 
  9. I don't want to overanalyze every thing I say 5 seconds after I've said it. Or at least I want to try harder not to. Struggling with anxiety it tends to come as a package deal. I'm constantly working on bettering myself at that.
  10. I don't want anyone to ever think that I have a picture perfect life. I want to continue to be as authentic, gritty and messy as I truly am. I'm pretty gross you guys.

I urge you, whether it's for New Year's or just a random Wednesday night, to sit down and analyze the lessons you've learned. I promise you, it helps. But also remember to not be so hard on yourself. You're learning, I'm learning, we're all just slowly inching our way to the top of wherever and whoever we want to be. 

If you're going into the new year with zero advice, let me leave you with what always helps me. I know I've said this before but... every bad situation can always be turned into something positive. Everything, no matter what the circumstance, can motivate you to go harder, be better or be stronger than you were before. Now I sound like my mother, huh. I'm okay with it, I like her. 

These are things I tell myself every day. Let me get personal with you guys for a moment here. This year I got laid off from a steady job I had for almost 3 years. That wasn't in the cards, but shit happens. I knew that wasn't the direction I wanted my "career-life" to go. So, a bit sooner than I expected to leave, I took it as a sign that I should focus all my energy on what DOES make me happy and somehow create a career out of that. It's seriously all about perspective, I'm telling you... that whole mom thing I said before. It's also all about surrounding yourself with the right people and the right support system. Someone to smack you in the ass and say go fucking get 'em right when you need it. If you don't have one of those, I volunteer as tribute.

When you get knocked down, sooner or later you’re going to have to get back up but the amount of time you lie in the dirt is entirely up to you.
— unknown

This year has been full of crazy opportunity, adventure, self love and acceptance and I bet it won't be the only year that is. I can't wait to see what the future holds. I have a feeling it's gonna be a great 2016. ok, too cliché, i have to go wash out my mouth with soap now.

I love you guys, I hope every single one of you has a great holiday season. See you next year.

xo Girrlscout

P.S. I apologize it's been so long since I've blogged, this month has been insanely busy, in a great way. But I assure you, I'm not going anywhere, I don't think anything could stop me from writing. I'm afraid you're stuck with me, we're in a relationship, that's it. wannafightaboutit?