My Name Is Spencer And I'm A Drug Addict.

I'll start off with saying that I don't normally talk about this part of my life. I am not ashamed of it, but I have found that when you tell people you are a recovering drug addict a snap judgement is made. I can't say I blame those people, but in any case it's easier to just avoid the conversation all together unless it is relevant. 

That being said, Michelle shared a dark chapter of her life not so long ago in hopes of helping people that might be going through a similar situation and after seeing the overwhelming positive response the post had, I thought sharing my dark chapter might also be helpful to some people.

I'll spare you the gruesome details, but at the age of 14 I was arrested on my high school campus for possession of narcotics for sale. I had a pretty hefty addiction to heroin and crystal meth and I had a stiff liking for just about any pills I could get my hands on. I had been using very heavily for about 3 years. Now I'm sure a lot of you are thinking how could you be a drug addict at such a young age? Well, let's talk about it.

Addiction is a disease. You are born with it, or you are not. An alarming amount of people suffer from it, even if they don't even know it. That doesn't necessarily mean they are drug addicts, it just means that they have become powerless over an addiction and their lives have become unmanageable because of it. It could be anything - shopping, sex, video games, food, etc. or in my case - drugs. Drug abuse just happens to be the most widely destructive because it is mind altering, in most cases illegal, and a lot of the time your body can become physically dependent on it. 

Now, in my case, my addiction caused me to do a lot of things I'm not proud of. I lied, I cheated, I stole, I hurt people, just like any respectable drug addict would. But at that age and especially with that kind of addiction, I didn't care. I just wanted to be numb. I hated everyone and I just wanted to be left alone. I wanted to escape from what I thought was a living hell. Which is funny now that I look back on it. I didn't have a bad childhood. I grew up in a loving middle class suburban family. I had plenty of friends. I played sports and was good at them. But for whatever reason I wanted to escape that. I started hanging out with gangs, selling drugs, fighting a lot, all with little regard for the potentially life ending - or at least life ruining consequences. All things considered I was very lucky to have been caught when I was, although at the time I felt very differently. 

I was obviously expelled from my school and spent quite a bit of time in rehab and began my journey of recovery. Of course, as a young rebellious 14 year old kid I had no plans of staying sober. I continued to sell drugs, fight, roll with gangs, and was arrested more times in my early years of sobriety then I was when I was using. I figured I would stay sober until I was 18 when my father would no longer have any legal influence on my life.

But as time passed, I realized what a mess my life was. I mean, what 14 year old is detoxing from amphetamines and opiates at the same time in the substance abuse rehabilitation wing of a hospital? As I reluctantly began to work my way through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous I realized that I had created quite a bit of wreckage even though I had little to show for it. I remember being in and out of court for the first year or two dealing with my felony charges and wondering if that was what my life was going to be like from then on. It was daunting. I had to learn how to live again. I had to learn how to feel things and deal with pain and depression without the help of narcotics. I had to feel all the feels and get through it. Sounds easy, but to a 14 year old who spent most of his puberty on drugs, it wasn't.

Early on in the program, I was told I would never be able to use drugs or drink alcohol ever again for the rest of my life, and if I did, I would surely end up in jail, rehab, or the morgue. I was told that I would never fully recover from drug addiction and that this nightmare of a disease would be with me for the rest of my life doing pushups in the back of my mind. And if I didn't do everything I could to fight back, it would undoubtedly destroy me. Some strong things for a 14 year old to hear. Especially because all I wanted to do was get high and all these crocks with their sobriety chips and 'higher powers' were bonkers anyways. It wasn't until I started to hang out with older people that had what I wanted that I started to realize how much of a piece of shit I truly was and that a change really did need to be made. Not only did I need to not use drugs ever again, I needed to repair the wreckage I had caused, and spend the rest of my life repaying my debt to society and working relentlessly to be the best person I could be. Again, a tall order for a 14 year old to swallow. Forever is a long time.

You see - by nature addicts are selfish. They are masters of manipulation. They are self destructive. And our disease will convince us to do just about anything to get what it wants. 

So for the next 4 or 5 years I spent every day chipping away at my darkness. Letting a little bit of light in one day at a time. Making amends to those I had wronged. Being selfless wherever I could. Graduating high school ON TIME by some miracle. And I eventually got to the point where I could live a somewhat normal life and not every day was spent fighting a darkness that never seemed to go away. I stayed busy. Got passionate about other things or 'switched one addiction for another'. Occupied my mind and my hands any productive way I could. Because I knew that if I didn't, very very bad things would happen.

I still struggle every day. I still crave every day. I still fight every day. I still struggle with depression and social anxiety. Even though it has gotten a lot easier over the last 12 years, the darkness still haunts me every day. But it doesn't control me. I combat it by being selfless. Going out of my way to do nice things for people that may or may not deserve it. Working hard and trying to be the best at everything I do even though my cynical mind knows I am far from the best at anything I do and I never will be. I surround myself with good people that will push me to be better and rid my life of the poisonous ones. I don't sit in self pity. I don't feel sorry for myself. I take responsibility for my life. No one else can control me. No one else can hurt me if I don't let them. I have gone through just about everything life can throw at a young middle class Californian and more all in sobriety. And I'm still here. I'm not in jail or rehab. And I'm not dead. In fact, I am in a place in my life that I never thought I would be in. Now my biggest problem is that it's hard for me to stop working long enough to enjoy my accomplishments. It's also incredibly difficult for me to accept compliments and praise. But thats a whole nother battle. 

I will end with this by saying I do not regret my life's path. And I again am not ashamed to call myself an addict. It forced me to grow up a lot faster than most people, and because of that I like to think I got a head start on life. There are people from my high school that are still wasting their days partying and getting loaded and that is their choice. But I choose to be happy. I choose to work hard and feel accomplished. I choose to build a life I can be proud of. And I choose work to be a better person. I get to remember every great moment of my life. I get to enjoy the little things. I get to be happy. I get to be free. And that is a better high than any drug can give me.

Makeup Refresher.

I've been really diggin' my makeup routine lately you guys. It's been hot as mother fucking hell in California this summer but whether it's a highlighter or literal sweat on my face, I strive to be a glowy/dewy son of a b at all times. 

If you subscribe to my YouTube channel, you've probably seen my Makeup Routine video from a few months ago. I still use some of those products but I feel like I've just upgraded lately. Once you get sucked into that vortex that is "the YouTube black hole"... you end up watching makeup tutorials for multiple hours straight and you pick up on a few things. Let's go step by step.

Foundation: IT Cosmetics Illuminating CC Cream (my shade: medium)

One of the best foundations I've ever used. It lasts forever and it doesn't cake up on my face. If you want glowy skin, get this shit. I'm seriously in love. 

Foundation/Setting Powder: IT Cosmetics "Your Skin But Better" CC Airbrush Perfecting Powder

I use this with a big fluffy brush for a light/sheer coverage just to set the foundation in the places I want. Avoiding my cheeks and nose for optimum glowy-ness!

Bronzer: Tartè Amazonian Clay Waterproof Bronzer

Blush: Benefit Rockateur Blush Box

One of the best blushes I've used to date, which also smells like heaven or some sort of heavenly fruit. 

Eyebrows: Anastasia Dip Brow (dark brown)

Highlighter: NYX Born To Glow Liquid Illuminator & Makeup Forever Sculpting Duo (pink highlighter only, the bronzer that comes with it isn't my favorite at all*)

I apply the Liquid Illuminator to my cheek bones and my cupids bow and then actually use the pink highlighter on a brush over the liquid to intensify it. Kind of acting as a highlighter setting powder. I also do the sides of my forehead, bridge of my nose and my chin.. and BAM.

Prime/Setting Spray: MAC Fix Plus

I use this before and after my makeup routine, as a primer & setting spray. I've literally never been a huge fan of MAC... but I tried this after seeing everyone and their mother use it on YouTube tutorials. They were definitely on to something because it's amazing. 

As far as mascara goes, you already kinda know my deal with that - and if you don't, click here.

I still don't consider myself the girliest person on the planet, but makeup has always been fun for me. I feel like I've been kicking ASS at highlighting ever since my skin improved so much, so I needed to share these products with you. I'm sure I'll do another tutorial video here in the next few months, but in the meantime, these are my MUST HAVE makeup products for sure. 


For your entertainment pleasure, here is a video on how NOT to do your daily makeup routine... courtesy of the man that has my heart. Enjoy. ;)

Manly Flowers

Hey there! I'm back! :)

I have recently developed a weird love for floral print. Every time I see it in a store or on someone it catches my eye. I don't know why. I just think it looks really cool. When it first started becoming a thing, or at least when I first noticed people wearing it my initial thought was 'Wow... That is the dumbest thing I have ever seen.'

A lot of a my friends bands and bands that I liked were printing designs with the floral patterns and it was really frustrating. I hated it. I refused to have anything to do with it and I was sure that the fad would die quickly.

Me 008.jpg

But it never did. And I don't know what happened, but something flipped inside my brain and now I can't get enough of it. I love the colors and the patterns. And the warm noise it can bring to an outfit.

Me 006.jpg

I was doing my normal gander through the men's section of Forever21 after payday, finding all kinds of goodies when the pattern of this floral button up caught my eye. I scooped it up and showed it to Michelle, very very excited about my find. She kind of gave me this look like - really?

It was only like 20 beans and I felt like going outside of my normal plain and simple looks so I bought it. And thus - my first floral purchase.

When I started putting together this outfit I had no idea what to match the shirt with. Can't go wrong with black right? So I slapped on some black denim and my wine Docs and looked in the mirror. The shirt was so loud it was over powering everything.

So I figured I needed some sort of light outerwear to soften it up a bit. So I grabbed my black denim jacket and BAM! Perfect.

Me 002.jpg

This outfit is great. I was pretty stoked on it. Not the most comfortable thing in my closet, but it was worth a little discomfort for a nice looking - a little on the formal side - look.

And now I know that I have some shoes that will match just about any floral pattern and I can wear all the cool floral shirts my friends bands put out.

So if you're a dude or a girlfriend of a dude that is not sure if they can rock some floral, just give it a shot. Start simple, and remember that black matches everything.

Floral is almost always a really loud pattern, so just tone it down a bit at first. Or if you're a bold and confident dude with some nuts that can rock it than rock it. Go get 'em tiger.

Black Denim Jacket // Forever 21

Black Jeans // Forever 21

Floral Button-Up // Forever 21

Wine High-Tops // Dr. Martin

Photos by: Girrlscout